“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”

“USA Today has come out with a new survey ….. Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

Fond of lawsuits, little wealth,
Fond of doctors, little health.

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that
you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of
either”

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest….except that he got
caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when
dead

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said “Disneyland “Left”, so they turned around and went home.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO’s have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy…Doughnut seeds.

Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why can’t Blondes dial 911?
A: They can’t find the 11 on the phone!

Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth!

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.

Q: Why shouldn’t Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, “Oh look at the dead bird.” The Blonde looked skyward and said, “Where, where?”

Q: How do you drown a Blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde’s eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: “Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!”

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.

Q: What’s a blonde and a postage stamp got in common.
A: Lick Em, Stick Em, Send Em

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been on the computer?
A: There is tipex on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if she has been on again?
A: She has left cheese for the mouse.

Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It’s a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain’t Everthing

California:
By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado:
If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don’t Own It Yet.

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes…
Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians