Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on ‘roids, or they’ll flush my ass.

Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

Always scoot before licking.

Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.

I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.