Q: Why don’t Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.

Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.

Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.

Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, “Thank you.”

Disciple: “Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?”
Master: “Ask that post over there.”
Disciple: “I don’t understand”
Master: “Neither do I.”

Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don’t have any soul.

Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

Q: How do I become a Lama?

A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu’s Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.