Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes & Sayings

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.

Funny Age Quotes

You know you’re getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.

Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.

I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon…smart too late.

I’m affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian.

Funny Marriage Quotes

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

Funny Politics Quotes

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I’m telling you, this guy is presidential material.

One of my movies was called “True Lies.” It’s what the Democrats should have called their convention.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

On his running for California Governor

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

It’s the most important decision I’ve had to make since 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax.

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

Funny Women Quotes

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

Women: Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.

All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.

You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court.

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.

The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.