* Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip).

* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

* My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

* C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

* C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

* Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.

* C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

* Windows: Just another pain in the glass.

* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

* Press to continue …Smash forehead on keyboard to continue… Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue… Just do something!!

* Help! I’ve modemed and I can’t hang up!!

* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

* Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

* Hit any user to continue.

* I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!

* Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.

* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

* Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

* Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.”

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

*This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

*Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

*This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”

* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

*User Error: Replace user.

*Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

*If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have
security?

*Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Glossary of Product Terminology

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time. The Dumpty

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku… they would read like these:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but endless others exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working
‘Windows’ is like that.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
the document you’re seeking
must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: “File not found.”

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

1. Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
Bugs in your software are actually special features.

2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.

3. Thou shalt not handle errors.
Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.

4. Thou shalt not restrict users.
Don’t do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.

5. Thou shalt not optimize.
Your user are very thankful to get the information, they don’t worry about speed and efficiency.

6. Thou shalt not provide help.
If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software any way.

7. Thou shalt not document.
Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need mods.

8. Thou shalt not hurry.
Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.

9. Thou shalt not revise.
Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users’ requirements better than them.

10. Thou shalt not share.
If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.