The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

“I’m the Boss!”

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

As an administrative assistant at a chiropractic office, I called an insurance company to verify benefits for a patient. Although the call was important, I couldn’t reach a human being, only a recording.

“Thank you for calling,” said the message. “Our office will be closed until two o’clock as we enjoy our Customer Appreciation Week Celebration.”

The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.

Here are the nine things that look bad on Resume.

1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted.”

6. I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. I’m confident that I’ll get this job. The voices told me.

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.”

Matt replies, “And we weren’t?”

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!”