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Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”

Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.

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A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”

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A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell

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A: In this scene, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim’s death.

Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

A: “No”

Q: “Did you check for breathing?”

A: “No”

Q: “So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

A: “No”

Q: “How can you be so sure, doctor?”

A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Q: “But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?”

A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

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A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you , but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

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One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

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At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.

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“Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What’s more, he only speaks a few words of English.”

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, “How much English can you speak?”

The defendant looked up and said, “Give me your wallet!”

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