A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter.

“In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”

“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.

“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

“Alright,” the lawyer says looking through his papers. “You owe me $1000 down and $410 each month for the next thirty months.

“What! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client.

“Your right. It’s mine.”

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”

Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell

A: In this scene, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim’s death.

Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

A: “No”

Q: “Did you check for breathing?”

A: “No”

Q: “So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

A: “No”

Q: “How can you be so sure, doctor?”

A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Q: “But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?”

A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”