A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you , but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.

“Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What’s more, he only speaks a few words of English.”

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, “How much English can you speak?”

The defendant looked up and said, “Give me your wallet!”

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t hear the question.

“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”

“Why?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?”

“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”