Funny Job Applicant

Manager: Sorry, but i can’t give u a job. I don’t need much help.
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just the right person in
this case. You see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!

Funny Jobs

“Join our Fast-Paced Company”:
We have no time to train you.

“Casual Work Atmosphere”:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Must be Deadline Oriented”:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Overtime Required”:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“Duties Will Vary”:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must Have An Eye For Detail”:
We have no quality control.

“Career-Minded”:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“No Phone Calls Please”:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety Of Experience”:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“Problem-Solving Skills a Must”:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“Requires Team Leadership Skills”:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good Communication Skills”:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Funny Office One Liner

A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees.

First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.

Job Related Jokes

What the new Job-Lingo really means!

“Join our Fast-Paced Company”:
We have no time to train you.

“Casual Work Atmosphere”:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Must be Deadline Oriented”:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Overtime Required”:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

How To Ask For A Salary Increase

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager

Tips for managers and bosses

* Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
* If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
*Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
* If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
*If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
*Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
*If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
*If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
*If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
*Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

When I

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don’t do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn’t do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he’s on business.