The Math One Liners - Funny One Liners

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x…
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Food one-liners

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called “The Fission Chips.”

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

Sign in restaurant window: “Eat now - Pay waiter.”

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I’ve selected is a triangle.

Funny One liners

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

Long Hair.. JESUS!!

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies “No, not until you cut your hair!”. The boy replies “But father…Jesus had long hair!” to which his father says, “Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere.”

Idiotic President

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, “Quick, save the women and children!” Nixon: “Screw the women and children” Clinton: “Do we have time?”

Funny Question And Answers

Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?

A. Tomato Paste!

Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A. Because his parents were in a jam!

Q. What did the hamburger name his daughter?

A. Patty!

Q. What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?

A. A deviled egg!

Q. What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?

A. A turkey!

Q. What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?

A. A stomach-cake!

Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

A. He felt crummy!

Q. When does a cart come before a horse?

A. In the dictionary!

Q. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?

A. She couldn’t control her pupils!

Father

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.