“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents.”

Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television’s on the blink.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn’t everything…. there’s credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor’s.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you’re in a public restroom.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don’t have to experience it.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”