“Law of Drunkedness”
You can’t fall off the floor.

“Heller’s Law”
The first myth of management is that it exists.

“Osborne’s Law”
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

“Main’s Law”
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

“Weinberg’s Second Law”
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

* Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip).

* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

* My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

* C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

* C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

* Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.

* The name is Baud… James Baud.

* Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!

* C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

* Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY…

* Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or file name!”

* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

* Backups? We don’t need no stinking backups.

* E Pluribus Modem

* C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.

* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

* A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.

* 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.

* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

* Windows: Just another pain in the glass.

* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

* All computers wait at the same speed.

* Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors.

* Press to continue …Smash forehead on keyboard to continue… Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue… Just do something!!

* E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.

* Help! I’ve modemed and I can’t hang up!!

* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

* “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981

* DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

* Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

* Excuse me for butting in, but I’m interrupt-driven.

* Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~”

* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

* Read my chips: No new upgrades!

* Hit any user to continue.

* 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

* I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!

* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

* Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.

* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

* Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

* Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.”

* Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

* Relax, it’s only ONES and ZEROS!

* Will configure ones and zeros for food!

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes.

Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it’s made out of BEEF?

Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

If “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro”….then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients….
but DISH WASHING LIQUID comtains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn’t grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to “CURE” it?

Why do we wash BATH TOWELS-aren’t we clean when we use them?

Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?

Why doesn’t GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow,
only to be troubled and insecure?

What’s another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?