Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it’s a girl, for starters.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while breast feeding?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: Nannies aren’t cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy!

Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

Teacher : “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”

Teacher : “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?

MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.

Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.

Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?

Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.
Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.

Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

Why are builders afraid to have a thirteenth floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Aren’t all generalizations false?

Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?

Sooner or later, doesn’t everyone stop smoking?

Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why don’t you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

How can the weather be “hot as hell” one day and “cold as hell” another?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit’s foot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why is it possible to see through preachers?
They are holy.

If Johns mom has 5 sons and their names are Ja, Je, Ji, and Jo.
Who is the last one?
John.

What do you get when you cross Pikachu with Exeggcute?
Fried Eggs!

Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs.

What kind of flower do you have between your nose and your chin?
Tulips.

Why did the old house see the doctor?
Because it had window pains.

Why were the little ink drops crying?
Because papa was in the pen and no one knew how long the sentence would be.

Why is an island like the letter ?T??
It is in the middle of ? water?.

Why is an empty room like a room full of married people?
There isn?t a single person in it.

Why is Piglet so nasty?
Because he plays with Pooh!

Why did the girl run outside with her purse open?
She heard there was going to be some change in the weather.

Why wouldn’t the Energizer Bunny come out of the bathroom?
Because he kept going? and going? and going?!

Why aren?t elephant?s allowed on the beach?
They always have their trunks down!

Why was ten afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine and he was next in line.

Why are mountain climbers curious?
They always want to take another peak.

Since he lost his hair, why is Mr. Timothy More like an American City?
Because he is ?Bald Tim More?!

How can you tell who is Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
He has sesame seed buns.

How do you get on t.v.?
Sit on it.

How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?
A bucaneer.

How many penguins does it take to fly an airplane?
None. Penguins can?t fly!

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: Why don’t Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.

Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.

Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.

Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, “Thank you.”

Disciple: “Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?”
Master: “Ask that post over there.”
Disciple: “I don’t understand”
Master: “Neither do I.”

Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don’t have any soul.

Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

Q: How do I become a Lama?

A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu’s Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.