Funny Marriage Quotes

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence–a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “rings”:
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

Funny Marriage Quotes

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
_Rita Rudner

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
_Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
_Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
_Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
_Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Men Quotes

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.
_Madonna

This guy says, ‘I’m perfect for you, because I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.’
I said, ‘Oh, a gay trucker?’
_Judy Tenuta

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
_Rita Rudner

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
_Henry Youngman

I love men, even though they’re lying, cheating scumbags.
_Gwyneth Paltrow

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.
_Tim Allen

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself — like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.
_Jean Kerr

Funny Writers Quotes

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.
_Steve Martin

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
_Mel Brooks

I never know what I think about something until I read what I’ve written on it.
_William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
_Robert Benchley

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
_Tom Clancy

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
_William Faulkner

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.
_Robert Benchley

Funny Woman Quotes

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.
_Lenny Bruce

I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine.
_Mel Gibson

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
_Charlotte Whitton

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
_Samuel Butler

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
_Edgar Watson Howe

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It’s the good girls men should be warned against.
_David Niven

Funny Movie Quotes

Daniel Kaffee: “And don’t wear that perfume in court, it wrecks my concentration.
Lt. Commander Jo Ann Galloway: “Really!
Daniel Kaffee: I was talking to Sam.

Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don’t hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
_The Addams Family Values

Pugsley: We’re not shy!
Wednesday: We’re contagious.
_The Addams Family

Funny Friendship Quotes

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
_Benjamin Franklin

One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
_Clifton Fadiman

I hate it in friends when they come too late to help.
_Euripides

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
_Harry S. Truman