Funny Friendship Quotes

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
_Benjamin Franklin

One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
_Clifton Fadiman

I hate it in friends when they come too late to help.
_Euripides

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
_Harry S. Truman

Funny Computer Quotes

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98?
A: 3 years

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
A: He doesn’t. He declares darkness the industry standard.

….. Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!?

Poetry Quotes

There is poetry as soon as we realize that we possess nothing.
_John Cage

I don’t look on poetry as closed works. I feel they’re going on all the time in my head and I occasionally snip off a length.
_John Ashbery

That is what I did with Jack, and that’s why he liked to do the readings with me because he knew I was there for him, and for our ability to blend the poetry and the music.
_David Amram

Confidence Quotes

Put your future in good hands - your own.

Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.

Funny Love Quotes

The sincerest love is the love of food.
_Bernard Shaw .

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it.
_Josh Billings

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener!

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What ..does a woman want?”
_Freud

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
_David Bissonette

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him

Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.”
_Mae West

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
_Ambrose Bierce

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law

Man is better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
_Oscar Wilde

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
_Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met.
_Rodney Dangerfield

The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
_Coleridge

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.
_Benjamin Franklin

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
_Henry Youngman

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
_Phyllis Diller

If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when the market is just right, they would bring matters around the way they wish them much oftener than they usually do.

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base metal; she will not even bite it to see if it is good; all she notices is the size of it, not the quality.
_Hellfire Hotchkiss

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
_Lord Byron

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
_Jimmy Durante.

Short Random Quotes

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!
_Yogi Berra.

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,”
_Calvin.

Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?
_Calvin and Hobbes.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
_Rodney Dangerfield

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
_Albert Einstein

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
_Lisa Hoffman.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

A rich man’s joke is always funny.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
_Winston Churchill.