Dami Toll
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 6 hours.

St. Mom’s Kort
It is a Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by making pre Schoolers unconscious for up to 2 hours.

Empty Gestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

Pepto Simbo
Liquid silicone for single women. It increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol
When taken with Pepto Simbo, it can cause low IQ causing enjoyment of music.

Flipitork
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and flipping off other drivers.

Anti Boytiks
It is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

I’m hungry = I’m hungry.

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy.

I’m tired = I’m tired.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let’s have sex now.

What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.

May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’ll take you to a nice restaurant and then I’d like to have sex with you.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I’d like to have sex with you.

I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = Hell no.

We need = I want.

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to.

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

You’re so …. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like.

Drive Through ATM Machine
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, receipt, and card
5. Leave

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup
in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because she’s too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this?

5. When people say, while watching a film, “Did you see that?”. No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you?

7. When something is “new and improved!”…Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn’t be new.

8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?