4 kinds of sex

The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you’re blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is

Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ‘F@CK YOU!’

New Vicar

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.

One of the old villagers came up to him and said. “Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?”

The Vicar said, “Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking.”

The villager said, “Arr, Vicar, that’s the way to fuck ‘em!”

Silly answer to a silly question

A: What do you call a gay man’s scrotum?
Q: Mud flaps!

Messing With The Sheiks’ Women

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.

“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”

The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a cop,” said the first man.

“Then we will shoot your dick off!” said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a firemen,” said the second man.

“Then we will burn your dick off!” said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”

The third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

Girl to Girl talks…

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, ‘You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.’

Janet responded, ‘Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that’s ‘politically correct’ for ugly) doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.’

Hillary asked, ‘Well,… how do you deal with the problem?’

‘Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.’

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, ‘Janet, is that you?’

A Punk Rocker

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: “keep off the grass.”

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”